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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.